Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me.

“It’s hard because you are doing a hard thing.”-courtesy of @agirlandaboy (in regards to someone else).

It’s not until I type it all down and realize what I went through that I’m like..HOLY FLIM FLAME FLOOBY.

  1. I had a newborn.
  2. I had a toddler.
  3. I had a medical emergency that I only had three days to resolve (thank you fine doctors of University of Florida).
  4. I packed up a house.
  5. I moved across country (with a toddler and a newborn).
  6. I lived without furniture for 2.5 weeks. You people with your chairs. DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO SIT AND ROCK A CHILD?
  7. I am still living without a paycheck (It’s been 8 weeks).
  8. I had a toddler who couldn’t understand the change that just happened and I was too tired to deal with the change that was happening so, hi, here’s TV and an iPAd, rot your brain kiddo.
  9. I had to hang out with my husband for eight weeks (which was a delight but at the same time, we need space!)
  10. Time Change is a bitch.
  11. The movers lost our only sentimental thing (apparently they found it, but it’s still missing).
  12. Two deaths in a family. Four flights with a newborn in a toddler in less than a month.
  13. The stress of not having friends or an escape.
  14. I had to drive Anna to a daycare that was 30-45 minutes each way. (so 2.5 hours everyday in the car for two weeks).

But guess what? I did it! I did it! And now the sun has peeked its little head out of the clouds and I can see that life isn’t terrible. It’s not! There are good things. Not all happening at once, and I still am not 100% but I’m not in the “I can’t get out of bed, I don’t want to exist” phase.

BECAUSE I realized, I’m SUPER lucky in the other things in life.

  1. My kids are healthy and thriving and smart and fun and yes, they can stress me out sometimes but that’s what they do.
  2. I have a job! And I have a job that lets me work from home. It’s a bit intense figuring out the schedule this week, but I’ve managed to juggle it, and juggle it well. I get to hang out with my baby all day! I work while she sleeps. Our house isn’t clean as a whistle, but…that’s dumb.
  3. I have a nanny who comes twice a week, which helps head down and work. And I get to be away from Ella–I get to miss her! But at the same time I get to see her when I want to.
  4. I found Anna a daycare that’s a mile away. And she loves it. And she rarely has an accident at school. And it’s a fun school. And I could just gush about it because it’s great.
  5. My husband has a job that allows us to be able to do things–like if I want to fly home for the weekend to see my friends (specifically inauguration weekend, or christmas, or March 2 BECAUSE I CAN).
  6. I have an amazing house that is the perfect size for us. Honestly? I would be fine staying here for a really long time because it just works.
  7. I think what has helped me come to terms with California is not to think of it as a forever thing. If I think about it as a “we only have to be here for 2 years.” If after two years I’m still miserable, we can start looking. We don’t have to stay here forever. And who knows, in two years, I might love it and not want to leave–but at least existing in this “it’s not forever” space–that has helped.

So relax everyone! I’m happy. I got out of the clouds. You can too! And if you can’t, come sit by me and I’ll rub your hair and stroke your cheek. It surprisingly does get better (consider me shocked).


Life Status

“It’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.” LOTR TT

Until then, consider me Eeyore.

…is this thing on?

Hello! Like I mentioned last time( The time before that?) I have reached the point where I forget to update because I don’t think I have anything to report.

So, updates: We went to Disney with Nana, Ciocia Mickie, and Judge. It was delightful. We have Disney down to a science and we rode EVERY ride we wanted to, saw every show we wanted to, had dinner with the princesses, met all the characters, saw the parades, and slept for ever. And I finally broke the child who cannot sleep in public. She fell asleep in a stroller. This has..never happened.

Oh, and because I walked 12,000 steps a day, the baby dropped.

A lot of people were fearful and commenting “you’re so brave” for going to Disney at 32 weeks pregnant, but honestly? If you have a system you can do it. Don’t carry the diaper bag (put it on a hook), go with other people to help push the stroller, sit down when needed, bring snacks, and most importantly GO HOME AND TAKE NAPS. I was sore by Sunday, but I did it. And the baby stayed in.

The week after that Yia-Yia and Pappou came to visit, cook and play with Anna. We had dinner on the table every night (Thank you!). Anna got to stay home from school and go to the pool everyday. Everyone had fun (and I didn’t have to cook!).

I had my ultrasound last Friday. Baby is head down and cervix is clear. Looks like we are good to go. Midwife says the baby hasn’t dropped, but I know these things. Or maybe I just have a large baby. Ultrasound said the baby was 4.5 lbs, but I DO NOT trust ultrasound weightings. They are usually off by 1-2+/- lbs. But, every app says the baby should be about 5lbs now. So. Maybe it is 4.5 lbs.

In pregnancy related news, for the past two years I have said “I kind of feel that I missed out on being over pregnancy because I didn’t go full term”. Well, I would like to kindly go back in time and slap me in the face. I am BEYOND over it. I am pretty sure the baby would survive right now if it was born so …I mean, I don’t want it to be born (three more weeks is good!) but I also DO.NOT.WANT.TO.BE.PREGNANT.

Fun fact: When I was pregnant with Anna at 34 weeks I wrote this:

every day starting at 2 pm. There is a butt? foot? leg? Don’t think it’s a head because the baby was confirmed head down like four times, but could be–lodged underneath my right lung. I can’t sit at my desk comfortably, I can’t breath, I can’t move, I can’t, can’t, can’t do anything
Current baby does the exact same thing, at the exact same time.

I am down to two pairs of tights. My maternity jeans no longer fit. I can wear some of my old/looser jeans completely unzipped and open with the band and another spandex top. But, that’s a lot of spandex (which maybe that’s why I have pressure underneath my lung??). And I grunt a lot. Sigh a lot. Make noises a lot.
Accurate. I want to take my closet and burn it to the ground. Nothing fits. I can’t imagine coming to work for three more weeks and having to decide what to wear. LET ME LIVE IN YOGA PANTS.


Baby Updates:


How Far Along: 34 Weeks
Size of Baby: Savoy Cabbage/Quokka 5lbs and probably 17-18 inches long.
Movement: Now I have to take 2 hours out of my day and make sure the baby kicks/moves 10 times in two hours. If not we have to call the nurse. But don’t worry. This baby kicks.
Status of my Belly: There is no way I can make it to full term. Just. Nope. Can’t do it. There is no more room.
Doctor’s Appointments: Next week I have I think my last centering group, and then it becomes weekly one on one sessions with the doctors (starting at 36 weeks). This seems strange and weird. I do feel like I’ve been pregnant forever but also at the same time that this has gone by so quickly.


Pregnancy Hormones are REAL.

Did you know it is possible to cry multiple times a day for two weeks in a row? I can assure you, it is. It’s also absurd. ABSURD.

Two weeks ago I had my girls trip. I cried because they threw me a “mama shower” and I was overwhelmed by how much love and thought went into it. I drove my best friend to the airport and started crying in the middle of a philosophical conversation about lord knows what. I told her she was my Cristina Yang and if anything happened to her I would be inconsolable.

I read Alexander Hamilton’s bio (which, if you haven’t, you should. It is a little tiresome towards the end (the good part!) because it is drawn out (the man did a lot of things!). His story is extraordinary. I had no knowledge of the depth of issues our country faced during the Revolution War and how our government was formed. My memory from History class,was pretty much all of our founding fathers were great! Everyone got along! Politics were different then! Spoiler Alert: They weren’t and Thomas Jefferson was kind of an asshole). So, I read his bio, and even though I’ve been listening to the Broadway soundtrack nonstop for months, I finally GOT IT. And I am just gutted over this man. I think he might be my favorite American historical figure of all time. Ever. In the history of time. So, if anyone wants to fly me to NY and get me tickets to Hamilton so I can gush in real life–I am not opposed.

One of my dearest internet friends who decided to adopt, got her baby in like literally, two days. Fastest adoption on record. We had a Twitter virtual baby shower and raised $1200. More crying.

I found a CD I SWORE I saw Hatteras destroy when I lived in Little Rock. I have no idea how this was missing for 11 years and I just now found it. But I found it and the ride to work this morning involved way too many tears.

Two of my dearest friends lost/are losing their dogs. One is my Cristina Yang friend (whom I lived with her and the dog for two years) and the other is going through the motions right now. She’s planning on doing a “last day” dog photo shoot, and I just have all the emotions because BOTH of these dogs are the same age as Hatteras. I feel guilty because Hatteras is wonderful and overlooked as a result of Anna/pregnancy/crazy D. I just want to love him and never let him go. So more tears.

And finally, an internet friend had a terrible miscarriage and I won’t go into the details because that’s her story, but I’m just gutted. I have too many feelings and I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all of them.

When do I balance out again? August? September? Never?

In other news, it dawned on me today that if this baby is like Anna, it’s quite possible I will have a baby in 4-5 weeks. Instead of the eight weeks the calendar is predicting. Which 1) would be great because if I haven’t mentioned, I’m slightly over being pregnant and 2) I have a bunch of family visiting in June and it would be delightful if they could all meet the baby.

As a result of this realization, guess who’s nesting? Packed so many boxes this week, purged so much CRAP, and did a load of baby laundry last night. I found the pacifiers and some new born clothes and 1,890 blankets (Why was I obsessed with saving these?).

But for the record. This baby can stay in there for a few more weeks. At least five. I’ll even give it six more weeks. Just grow a bit more. We don’t need a preemie but we also don’t need anyone late for the party. Fashionably late is NEVER in style.

Baby Updates!


How Far Along: 32 Weeks
Size of Baby: Loaf of Bread. Weighs about 3.5 lbs. So, only 3-5 more lbs to go baby. Then it’s go time.
Movement: I’m at the point where in the next few weeks I have to pay attention (like I could ignore this) to make sure the baby is kicking at least 10 times in an hour. Hey doc? I can assure you it is.
Status of my Belly: I can no longer bend over. I have to squat. I had to sit down in the aisle at CVS today to compare an item because I couldn’t bend over to pick it up so sitting was just easier.
Doctor’s Appointments: I have an ultrasound next Friday to make sure my placenta has moved to it’s correct position (i.e. the top of my uterus). I had to take my STD tests last Friday (Phil has not been cheating on me), and I have to get my DTAP. ALERT:  Parents and grandparents if you plan on being here in June/July/August, please go get an up to date DTAP. Thanks!

The end is so close. I can taste it.