It’s January 16th. One month until my due date. Two months until my one year anniversary. So much has changed in a year and yet, even though we keep changing, the world keeps moving.
This isn’t really a post of pregnancy, or what’s going on. It’s just more a word vomit. To be honest, it’s been a pretty rough month for me. (and for those of you who talk to me on the phone, I don’t necessarily go into detail on this stuff because a) some of it i’m sick of complaining about and b) sometimes i’m sick of hearing “silver linings”. Sometimes I just want to vent and be like this sucks, and not hear “well, think of it this way”. I want to hear “god that does suck” “how shitty” or something other than “mmhmm”. So the reason you haven’t heard all these complaints is because I am not at a place right now for sympathetic ears…moving on)
I’m extremely unhappy in my professional life. I can write about it now because I’ve talked to the bosses. But I feel like I’m working so hard for this thing, that’s not happening, and at the same time I’m moving so far away from what I had hoped to achieve by going back to school. That’s all I will say. But I’ve already cried to both bosses twice. Blame it on the hormones. And they were receptive to my feelings and felt awful that I was feeling that way, and are trying to make a difference. Here’s hoping.
I’m lonely. Phil has been on night shift for the past 10 weeks. At first it was awesome. But now that he’s started interviewing he’s gone all the time. And I just want to hang out with him. There are silver linings to him being gone. But there are also, just really shitty evenings like today. I saw him for a grand total of 50 minutes since Saturday. I won’t see him again until this Saturday. And he will most likely be sleeping, because he’s still on night shift. So I still have 4 more weeks of coming home to an empty house. And making dinner. And not interacting with him other than a few texts here and there. It gives me a new found respect for military wives, but…right now. I’m complaining about my life. Because right now, I’m sad. I know other people have it far worse than me. But right now, January 16th it is my chance to be sad.
I know of 4 deaths since January 1st. Three family members, one friend’s son. One friend’s four month old son. Unexpected. On New Years Day. Great way to ring in the New Year!
Two of the family members were very sick. And the silver lining is at least they are no longer suffering. I don’t really need prayers or sympathy. I’m fine, and I’ve accepted. I’m more concerned for the family members who are hurt and upset by this. Those that lost their daughter, sister, friend. Those that lost their mother and grandmother. It’s sad. Unexpected and sad. And I’m sad for those that are grieving.
And then today, I found out about a family pet that passed away. And that’s the one that has broken me. It’s broken me because pet’s affect me more than people do. Because they never do anything on purpose to hurt you. They do nothing but love and devote you. Sure they eat your underwear/shoes/passport, or dig holes in the back yard, or do a million other annoying things. But not because they are mad at you. And the second you get mad at them, their whole world is turned upside down and they apologize the only way they know how, with love, and devotion, and way too many kisses.
It upsets me because my dogs are getting old. It upsets me because by the time they do pass away, Baby T will probably be of an age at which I have to explain death to it. I have an understanding of the right way to do it, but how do you explain something that you can barely understand.
Death is part of life. There is no stopping it. No matter how long, or at what cost we prolong it, it happens. It happens when we least expect it and it happens when we most expect it.
I’m not religious. So, saying like god has a plan, or praying for you during this difficult time, really does nothing for me. Because it’s not that God has a plan. It’s that we all have only a short time here, and we have to make the most of it. And we have to make the most of it with the people we spend time with.
Anyway, like I said. This was more like word vomit.
I want to go hang out and love on my dogs now. I need to snuggle their faces while it’s still just the three of us before this baby comes and rocks our world.