Mercury Retrograde is a BITCH.

Oh man. Where do I even begin with this weekend? It was…INSANE.

Let’s paint the stage: I am not pregnant, ergo I have hormones, ergo, I am not of rational mind and could more or less be certifiably crazy.

Saturday, we originally had plans to go to a tailgate for the UF game. We would be with other residents and their family (I assume). They might have kids, I might make a friend. I am excited. We wake up, and it’s overcast, gloomy, and Phil doesn’t even know if other families are even going anymore. And he wants the new iPhone. And he wants it RIGHT NOW. Which I don’t even understand? Why can’t you wait a week and have it delivered from Verizon? Also, the closest Apple Store is either in Jacksonville or Tampa. Both about 2 hours away. After much rolling of the eyes and screaming, I say let’s go get your phone, there will be other tailgates, and Phil suggests we go to the aquarium while we are there. Fine. Compromise. Marriage.

And then I forget to eat. Well, not really, I just have a sandwhich–which HAHA at me for thinking that would hold me over on a 2 hour drive.

We drive to Tampa and pass 87 pro-life signs on our way (not an exaggeration). We arrive, we are in good spirits, we make jokes, we are happy, and we naively think that just because we have an appointment at the Apple Store they will hand over our phones and we can go. HA! Jokes on us. We wait in the first line for 20 minutes. Then we wait in the second line. And then, hurray! They have us! They can set us up. We are almost at freedom, it’s so sweet I can taste it! Until, we are not.

Phil can’t set up his phone because of something, so he says set up my phone and he will handle whatever is going on. Well, I have a toddler. So the guy is trying to set up my phone, meanwhile my kid is trying to jump off a table, and play with everything, and wants me to hold her, and I am still hungry and now I have to pee. Mind you there are at least 150 people in this store, so you have ZERO personal space and your kid could go missing in .25 seconds. So we start setting up my phone and then he’s all: Nope this phone number isn’t eligible. So after 3 tries we figure out that he has messed up my phone number with my parents and ohmygod I am going to kill him. We figure out eventually with the help of someone who can sense that my head is going to split open into two halves and I will consume the souls of everyone not capable of working on my timeline.

Finally! I have a phone, I take Anna and run to the bathroom. It’s right around the corner someone says, which I guess in Tampa is translation for the other end of the mall and Phil will meet us at the food court.

FREEDOM. WE ARE ALMOST FREE FROM THE INSANITY OF THIS MALL. I go to find the food court, I go to where the directory tells me there is a food court, and there is no food court. There is a partition. There isn’t even a sign that says “sorry our food court is closed, please enjoy these other restaurants.” Everything is awful. Everything is the worst. Phil finds me and says “BTW our phones are turned off” and I say I don’t care get me out of here FIND ME FOOD. Don’t set up your phone in the car lets just go.

We get to the car, we have no clue where we are because our phones do not work, and we have no idea where there is food or the where the aquarium is or how to get home. We are literally driving around in circles. Why is there no McDonalds? Isn’t there a McDonalds out side of ever mall? ISN’T THIS A REQUIREMENT FOR MALLS TO SATISFY PARENTS WITH A FAST FOOD PLACE WITHIN 10 FEET OF A TODDLER (OR A WIFE) AT ALL TIMES?

We find food. We act like 10 year olds and say the worst things to each other. We essentially hate each other and this marriage can’t survive. Luckily, Anna is a lovely kid oblivious to everything. We get directions, the Aquarium closes in 1 hour and 45 minutes. This is stupid. The directions we are given don’t make any sense. We ask strangers every five feet (BTW, Phil’s passenger window can’t roll down so I have to open the door and scare people). Then we are there! We see signs! We can almost touch the aquarium, but EVERY road getting us to the aquarium is blocked off for some marathon and there are no detour signs. So again, Not only do we not know where we are, but we still don’t know how to get home!  And we are driving in circles because why would you block off every road.

(in case you are wondering why are phones aren’t working, it’s because you need to be hooked up to wifi and we have not been able to get wifi).

Finally, we find a mom and I think she senses the stress reeking from our car. She guides us to the physical building, points us to the garage. We park the car. We get our tickets. We see fish, we forgive each other, Anna plays on a splash pad.

We find beer. We update our phones (we get food), and we laugh at the hysterical nature of our afternoon.

BTW. SCREW YOU MERCURY RETROGRADE.

Seriously, if you can survive that day. Your marriage is made of something special.

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